Why did you decide to live on a car? To make your web? We have a garage and eaves and whatnot seriously like six feet away and there’s plenty of space for spiders to hang out and just do their thing. Other spiders have done this successfully. But instead you decide to “kick it” in my side mirror and make webs all over the driver’s side door. And so a) your whole construction gets messed up every time I drive around, and b) I get all panicky every time I see you because you’re just a little bit bigger than I’m comfortable with. And I’m sorry, Spider, I’m sorry that I was driving down the freeway and you were all “WTF” as your web went ape and I’m sorry, I’m not proud, but I rolled down the window and plucked at your web to release it from my side mirror, sending you (who also are a little more colorful than I’d prefer; there’s something creepier about brightly colored spiders) into an unknown fate. I’m sorry for doing that. But then I arrive at my destination and what do I see but YOU, Spider, still fucking hanging on for dear life! And you go scurrying back into the side mirror. And I’m all: Dude, you’ve got the goods. You are a fighter, dude. And I will leave you to your home on my car, Spider. It’s as much yours as it is mine.