2007
The doctor says it’s crotch-rot 🙁 He couldn’t remember the technical name for it
2008
The video poker machines burble. The casino carpet blurs into a 3D dolphin. The waitress’ lipstick, Tokyo Gutter, is smeared across my neck.
I saw a little kid trip over a pug and cry, and I didn’t have that dream about my mother. So far, best birthday ever.
Woke up in the lobby wearing nothing but five strategically placed cupcakes. Eyes feel like olives stabbed with little cocktail swords.
Why is there a pinata in the den that looks like me? And why was it filled with printouts from my poetry blog and then beaten with a rake?
I’m in the park, wearing a diaper and shooting people with my hunting bow. The cops don’t seem to have the Valentine’s Day spirit.
As a matter of fact, I DO use a fake British accent at the Taco Bell drive-thru. It just seems classier.
I’m starting to think that wasn’t a legit Girl Scout. These cookies are just clumps of dirt. And she had a beard and stole my wallet.
So far my thirties are like my teens all over again. Just finished post-coital crying and now I’m trying to get a ride to Chess King.
There’s a party in my pants! Yep, you’re the first one here. Mom’s making ambrosia salad. Oh. No, yeah, cool, thanks for stopping by.
My tear-away pants got snagged on my Union Jack thong and basically the funeral went downhill from there.
I just accidentally glued the cat to just about the worst possible place on my body. This scrapbooking thing is NOT for amateurs, you guys.
Ever have someone burst into your bathroom stall and catch you rubbing lipstick all over your face and crying? Yeah, I thought that was you!
I think I just bought my own kidney off eBay? I guess it all works out in the end but that’s the last time I pass out at IHOP.
Got my stomach pumped again over at Mercy General. They were pleasantly surprised to find the thank-you card.
This macaroni necklace my daughter made me tastes like garbage. Fuck this Montessori bullshit.
Played golf with my old man this morning and on the fourth tee I accidentally hated his guts since the day I was born.
That was more than just a leg-hump. Your dog made gentle love to my leg, then grew cold and distant, then cheated on it with my other leg.
Perfect day to take the kids to the park, throw the frisbee around, have a beer, wander off, move to a different state, never call.
The kids aren’t buying my re-branding of ice cubes as “crystal popsicles.” When did these little douches get so cynical.
Today should’ve been a deleted scene. Self-indulgent, cliché, didn’t advance the plot at all, and no nudity. For completists only.
God, I am so sick of my twin brother and his stupid fake-looking mustache eating all the Doritos and banging your sister.
Great tip from Bobby Flay: In a pinch, expired orange juice and Purell can get you just drunk enough to handle a call from your mother.
Just got a text message from my dead grandmother that says: “HOW U WORK THIS THING I JUST WANT 2 CALL LARRY KING????”
Is it possible to unfriend somebody to death?
They played that Enigma song in the grocery store. I gently caressed the peach, its flesh giving ever so slightly under my trembling thumb.
Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!
Just stocked up on thirty pounds of Halloween candy. I’ll be dressing up as Me Except Fatter again this year.
Well, it’s official: I’m the only person on alt.tv.bosom-buddies.fanfic who still respects the fucking canon.
I wish Rage Against The Machine were here so we could all enjoy their song being played in the sweatpant section of Wal-Mart.
Can I please just get through ONE parent-teacher conference without hearing the word “loathsome”?
Kids, a Halloween ghoul just appeared and ate all your candy and smeared delicious chocolate on my face! Did you forget to pray last night?!
The season’s first snow. A hushed, blessed morning. A man wearing nothing but a tool belt pees upon my car. My soul sings something by Enya.
Sometimes I fantasize about refusing to accept a major award.
Accidentally drank the turkey brine and woke up 50 miles away in a boxcar headed for Bozeman. Maybe put quotes around “accidentally.”
In my day, the hand gesture for “doing it” was sticking one finger in one hole. Kids today need like fourteen fingers and that Wii doodad!!!
Come back! I know two more Sublime songs!
You can train an African Grey parrot to beat me at Yahtzee but I guess you can’t train him to not be a big dick about it.
2009
I’m sorry I said your breath smells like monkey diaper. Now you apologize for saying I use a “disturbing” amount of toilet paper.
Your diploma appears to have been made with Print Shop, and “urologist” is misspelled, but I just can’t say no to a free vasectomy!!
I dunno. It’s nice having HDTV and Coke Zero and Tumblr and all, but the world really hasn’t been the same since God killed Nell Carter.
I didn’t cry in the shower this morning, and I found some nachos on the bus. So far, best birthday ever.
The checkout clerk called me Mr. Allen. I chuckled and said, “Mr. Allen is my father! And dead. To me. And the reason I’m buying this beer.”
13-year-old me would be disappointed that I never went into outer space but he’d let it slide because one time I had sex with a naked lady.
Your mother carried you for nine months, OK? The least you can do is give me a foot massage and then go help her clean out the rain gutters.
I get a little nostalgic for prom night every time I wear a tux and someone angrily hurls a bottle of Calvin Klein Obsession at my face.
Just cut myself shaving my ear hair and now I don’t know what to cry about first!
Our marriage counselor just put a switchblade on the table, left the room, and locked the door. What do you guys think I—omg she’s fast
Your baby did not appreciate my Pacino impression. I don’t know, he crawled outside somewhere. Yeah well maybe my FEELINGS got run over!
It wasn’t funny at the time, but now I can look back on it and drink.
Nobody came to my trombone recital. I wish there was some way to express how I feel right now.
You ever find yourself fishing your toothbrush out of the toilet and wonder why you even bothered going to college?
Woke up early and went for a run. Never thought I’d write those words but I also never thought the cops would find my meth lab.
If I jump out of the car now I’ll probably break my leg but at least I won’t have to think of something nice to say about her scrapbooking.
Flowers, sailor suit, flask, proof of employment, Ativan. OK, I think I’m ready for Mother’s Day.
Gorgeous out today. I’m gonna sit under a tree, take off my shoes, huff some Lemon Pledge and fight with the centaur who lives in my hair.
Oh my gosh I didn’t mean to knock you off your tricycle! Here, let me hold your ice cream sandwich while you LATER ASSHOLE
When the checkout girl is bagging up a handle of vodka and four pregnancy tests, I find a little wink really completes the moment.
Someone’s at the door! You hide the kidnapped panda under your skirt and I’ll hide the angel dust in my belly! OK ACT NORMAL
OK don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
Day 4: Still no sign of a way out. I have fashioned a crude shelter from buckets of mayonnaise but I fear this Costco will be my tomb.
We can’t afford cable because your mother wanted Botox, so we’re just going to sit here and watch her terrifying eyebrows for entertainment.
I shower, shave, floss. I find a good street corner. I take a cleansing breath and don my cellphone costume. And I wave, by god. I WAVE.
By mid-afternoon, the kiddie pool is basically just Bud Ice and pee.
My wife asked if I would always be faithful to her. I shrugged. I wiped some mayo off my Slipknot shirt with a dryer sheet.
Dear guy in front of me buying a crossbow and frozen taquitos: Do you want to be friends y/n. Did you know I have Point Break on DVD.
I’m in the front yard, running through the sprinklers. I feel like a kid again. A crying, drunk, naked, hairy kid.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Time for a new car. The old one is filled with speeding tickets, empty bottles of vanilla extract, and some kid who wants a ride to school.
Dude, I wouldn’t trade my very hairy chest for anything. Except maybe a moment’s respite from the terrible pain of being alive.
Gosh, the kids are growing up so fast. Anyway, back to Bejeweled.
What? I’m not crying. Was I crying? I’m sorry, I don’t even realize it anymore. No, no, your PowerPoint is really good, please continue.
Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos.
There’s nothing funny about fleeing a crime scene unless the crime is monkey rustling and you’re wearing nothing but a giant foam finger.
howd i gett wine biottles stuck on evry goddaam fingr
I was halfway through the appendectomy when I realized that Wikipedia was full of shit.
Your baby sure can take a punch!
My son said “I love you, sir” for the first time. I slapped him and sent him away, then stood at my study window, mustache wet with tears.
Dear Gramma, thank you so much for the Tonka truck. It is very fun! Sorry it took me 30 years to write back. Is Heaven scary? Love, Jiggy
The cops call it indecent exposure, I call it Hulk Not Be Contained By Jean Shorts. Can’t Catch Hulk. Hulk Hide In Bushes ok fine cuff me.
Remember the vow you took on our wedding day? Then PUT ON THE GODDAMN CHEWBACCA COSTUME.
A neon sign flickers outside the window of my sweaty, sleazy motel room. I hoist the tuba from its case.
Could I please finish frantically scrubbing this bloodstained onesie before answering all your stupid questions?
The checkout girl is totally giving me the eye. I flex as I count out twenty dollars in quarters to pay for the hemorrhoid cushion.
Yes, hello, I would like to purchase a wet/dry vac and a cat that looks exactly like our old cat. QUICKLY.
I did most of the work on my son’s science fair project but c’mon, he learned a lot and we’re producing over 200 pounds of cocaine a day.
At the Sears Portrait Studio, trying to decide between NASCAR Coke Party and Mom’s Boyfriend’s Basement.
1933: My grandfather kills a stag with his bare hands.
2009: I eat a whole thing of cookie dough and fall asleep on the toilet.
Finally figured out how to check my voicemail! Evidently my wife divorced me six months ago because I never picked her up at the airport?
I like to shriek and brandish a trident while peeing in a mailbox. It keeps the weirdos away.
I said I can undo a bra with my feet, she asked what my feet were doing later, I said probably running away from some angry topless lady.
Your lust for power doomed 700 men to a watery grave. Yes, you sank my battleship—but at what cost to your soul? Now go to your room.
Looking up at the stars, I feel so small, so insignificant. I guess I’ll go inside and make my kid shine my shoes.
Just bought a little wedding chapel for my model train set. Someday I’ll get married there and SHUT UP MA YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT
I’m eating fun-size Halloween candy and drinking airplane bottles of gin. I feel like a giant! J/K I feel so terribly small.
“Dad, are angels real?” “Yep.” “They’re watching over us?” “Every minute of every goddamn day.” “Dad, I’m scared.” “Me too, champ. Me too.”
I think when you see how happy Daddy is on his new jet ski with his new chest hair you’ll forget all about wanting to go to college.
I wrote you a haiku / But it had no grace / I wrote you a sonnet / But ran out of space / Anyway here’s a drawing of a penis on your face
Got my Christmas shopping done early! It’s easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit.
Four hundred dollars. Three strippers. Two robots. One crazy night. My Christmas list sounds like a pretty good 80s movie, you guys!
Your wife LITERALLY exploded with rage? Um yeah did you know that “literally” means—oh god, oh my god what happened in here
Yes, I fed my kid a can of Folgers. But look how happy she is, riding the dog down the street, shrieking obscenities.
After sexing a lady, I like to blast “We Are The Champions” to drown out the sarcastic clapping.
Say, that reminds me of a little ditty—hey! Who smashed my ukulele and backup ukulele?
It seems like the Christmas tree gets thrown into the street in an eggnog-fueled rage earlier and earlier every year.
Dad loved the holidays. He’d wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
2010
Our baby is great, super fun to party with, but I definitely don’t see this turning into a long-term thing.
TGIF, am I right or what?? I said: THANK GOD. DO IT. THANK HIM FOR THIS DAY. THANK THE GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN IT’S FRIDAY YOU ASSHOLE
Just found where my wife hid my birthday present! How’d she know I wanted a one-way ticket to Miami with some guy named Rico?
Sorry, honey, but we’ll probably never know why your stupid gross guinea pig flushed himself down the toilet.
Woke up in the ball pit at McDonald’s, underwear full of dollar bills. So far, best birthday ever.
Dating tip: Forget to brush? Here, chew on this goddamn perfume sample I ripped out of Vogue.
Oh my gosh, did I forget to call my father on his birthday for the last twenty years?
Yeah baby, you like it when I do THIS? Oh good, me either. You know what, let’s just sit quietly and think about celebrities we like.
I FIND YOUR LACK OF “FAITH” BY GEORGE MICHAEL DISTURBING
Paid Morgan Freeman fifty bucks to record my voicemail message and he did his awful Julia Child impression! He’s all: “No refunds, asshole.”
The PowerPoint was sort of boring until the twist ending where it turned out I was dead inside all along.
Wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and oh god it was horrible just horrible
Is your lady feeling moody? Cheer her up by doing the old “I found a tampon in your ear” trick! Actually, don’t.
Night falls. A woman drinks to dull the pain. A man eats a hot dog shoved inside a donut. The woman starts to weep as I belch the alphabet.
Snow’s starting to melt. Soon I’ll have to rake the leaves from last fall and do something with the dead panda. I told the kids he ran away.
Some mornings I just don’t feel like getting drunk and throwing garbage at passing cars but who am I to question God’s plan.
It’s the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go fucking apeshit.
The fools at the institute said I couldn’t fit ten puppies in my thong but who’s laughing now? Not me or the puppies, that’s for sure.
THE MONTH-OLD MCMUFFIN IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT BECAME SELF-AWARE AT 2:14AM EASTERN TIME, AUGUST 29TH
I know I shouldn’t listen to the voices in my head but they do this super funny impression of Bono telling me to hurt myself.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Just found a report card from third grade: “Joshie is terrified of spiders, soccer, robots of any size, his father, sex, clouds, things.”
You ever pick up the wrong kid at daycare but just roll with it because this one can actually wipe his own goddamn nose?
Say, whatever happened to our baby? That little dude was hilarious.
NOTE: Prof. Allen’s “Outrun Boulders the Indiana Jones Way” webinar has been canceled due to copyright infringement and a crushed pelvis.
We don’t have an oven so I tried to kill myself by sticking my head in the dishwasher. Now my hair smells terrific! I CHOOSE LIFE
She left this month’s Cosmo on the toilet. “Test Your ‘Twilight’ IQ,” it whispers. I reach for it with trembling hands.
I slowly, seductively pull a Virginia Slims cigarette from my fanny pack. Will no single mom in this Chili’s Too offer me a light?
The musical accompaniment for our lovemaking experience will be The Wall, in its entirety. J/K I’m already done. Night night!
Mr. Allen’s latest mustache is a confused, overlong mess. To this reviewer, it feels like he is intentionally antagonizing the audience.”
Cat shows, eh? [exhales cigarette smoke] Tough racket.
I seriously can’t remember the last time somebody cut my toenails without making a big thing about it.
Look. I pay you to tie me up and whip me. I do NOT pay you to say hurtful things about Smashmouth, who have some OK songs.
Some thiefs stole my car and all you do is sit there and correct my spelling?
ASK ME ABOUT MY GRANDKIDS AND ALL THE STUPID SHIT THEY DO AND SAY AND WEAR sheesh this bumper sticker takes up the whole bumper
Joshua Allen changed his relationship status to “I Bet I Can Eat This Whole Block Of Cheese Before This Elliott Smith Song Is Over”
OK, they all think you’re a neurosurgeon, just be cool, be in the moment and oh god I poked that thing, I shouldn’t have poked that thing
Hey, you wanna mix it up tonight and do all our crying BEFORE we have sex?
I’m sorry, honey, but you never said the pony had to be alive. Well maybe it was your imprecise language that “ruined” your birthday.
Saigon, ’74. I pick up a still-smoldering cigarette and take a quick drag. I am sixteen months old, living in Denver.
2011
Um hello I think I would remember getting blackout drunk and eating all the sour cream ah you have pictures, very nice, you have a good eye.
When life gets you down, go to a gas station bathroom and just pee wherever. No one will notice and you’ll feel like a fancy duke!
I had a lovely time tonight, my sweet. Here are your parting gifts: a framed photo of my waxed chest and a big thing of penicillin.
Can I borrow your sewing kit? It’s definitely not because I tore the crotch in my yoga leggings while kung fu-ing your ridiculous baby.
A single tear meanders down my cheek and plunges to the Moleskine in my lap, blurring the sketch of me being spooned by a topless Boba Fett.
By the time I finish shaving, powdering, getting in the pleasure harness and queuing up Toy Story 2, I’m not even in the mood anymore 🙁
Hello? What? How did you get this number? The phone book? Are you calling from 1994? No way! I know, that Tonya Harding sex tape is SICK!
Girl, my mustache is going to take you to a place where my mustache tastes like nachos.
Have you worked daycare before?” “No but I can fit forty Legos in my mouth and babies lose their goddamn minds.” “You’re hired!” “Mmbrgmg!”
Behind my cold dead eyes is a little boy who just wants to be loved. And behind that boy is a creepy monkey wearing a giant foam cowboy hat.
I had a bad day and don’t need a lot of lip so just SIT DOWN and be SOOTHED by my fucking rainstick! Ah, listen. Sort of like rain, right?
Bro, your band NEEDS the glockenspiel. It makes chicks go to sex town! C’mon, man. I took ten years of lessons on this piece of shit.
Either a bunch of babies escaped from the nursery and a bunch of meerkats escaped from the zoo or this party just went to the next level!
Ugh, I can’t figure out how to wrap up this suicide note. Maybe just a 😉
I bet Prince never has to scan his own Twinkies and Preparation H at Safeway. I bet he has people for that. Kids, don’t major in English.
I just think if you hire Bono to hang out at your party he should let you win Wii Bowling and not embarrass you in front of your kids.
I’m going to roll down the windows, crank the radio, and let Tori Amos tell this traffic jam the things that are in my heart.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person in America who still believes in a thousand-headed cyber-yeti who controls all my thoughts.
Sometimes I sneak into my kid’s room just to watch her sleep or see if she has any money lying around or some weed or Sun Chips or anything.
You know when you’re eating peanut butter with your middle finger and you flip off your kid and say PEANUT BUTTER FINGER SAYS FUCK YOU BUDDY
I’ve been listening to a recording of ocean surf all day and I’m still stressed about chupacabras maybe being real and out by the trashcans.
Just a friendly reminder that you can only cry in the break room for five minutes tops, OK? But the bathroom has no official time limit 😉
Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says LOSE WEIGHT AND TAKE MORE SHOWERS! Oh god it’s from 2005!
Girl, sex with me is like moshing at a Fugazi show. I’m all: Hey, uh, can you please stop that? C’mon. That looks dangerous.
Omigosh you wanna hear what my son just did?? I said do you want to fucking hear about my kid’s poop or do you want this pen in your eye.
Some ladies like it when you whip off your boxer briefs and a scented candle falls out. I have to believe that.
I didn’t really believe she was my baby until she spilled a wine cooler all over her chest hair.
You ever drink so much Boone’s Farm that you can’t stop crying about the guy from Blind Melon who’s dead now?
I think we all remember the first time a girl made us listen to all of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness before not making out.
Ugh this shampoo smells like gin. Tastes like it, too. Oh that’s right I keep a bottle of gin in the shower! In case of feelings!
She put a gun and a fifty dollar bill on the kitchen table and told me to choose. No idea what she means. Been sitting here six hours.
I built the robot out of clockworks. I locked my dreams inside his ticking heart. He basically just sits there, creeping everyone out.
Ain’t gonna talk about when I ninja’d. OK just this once. I ninja’d bout four five years but. But that shit eats away at a man. Changes him.
I stab at the black fetid heart of this wretched city, shrieking with hang on here’s a spot, run in and get all the Pringles they have.
Saw my old band for the first time in years. We had some beers, had some laughs, jammed on a few tunes, drove home dead-eyed in our Saturns.
The unicorn watched me nervously, perhaps wary of my scent or my magical machete or my necklace of unicorn feets.
And then she walked in. A smile like lips doing things. Legs like smooth fleshy sticks. Eyes like, like twin balls of goo? Ugh never mind.
2012
He slides the paper across the table to me and says, “This is our final offer.” I open it and read: COUPON FOR ONE (1) BIG HUG!!
Sometimes after a really intense workout I write made-up stories on Twitter.
Listen, I saw a scary spider and I—let me finish—I didn’t DROP the baby, I USED the baby to kill the scary spider.
FUN QUIZ: Would you rather be able to fly or smell things from a long way away? Yeah but I mean like MILES away. Ugh we’re breaking up.
Been at Walgreens for an hour trying to find a card that says something like HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON I LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT SCARED THAT YOU HATE ME
Eating a chorizo burrito in the shower: Not the game changer I expected but still way better than anything else that happened today.
That last Mudslide pushed me from “ABBA Is So Good You Guys” to “This Whole Applebee’s Is My Personal Urinal.”
You ever play air guitar to a piano part because fuck you whatever?
These days I just dictate my hilarious jokes to my intern and she posts them to oh god he’s doing nude squats someone call the police
You ever actually listen to song lyrics? The worst. Yay nice job those words rhyme. My kid can do that and she’s the dumbest person I know.
Opened the microwave to find a half-eaten PB&J covered in truffle oil. Oh Drunk Me, always the gourmet!
What do you think Kevin Costner is up to right this second. I bet there’s a panther in the mix.
You’re never really prepared for the emptiness you feel after burning down a Walmart with your army of sexy monkey assassins.
Oh my god I just read a book. I know right? I felt like an idiot the whole time. Mm yeah that symbolism was super compelling lol
The delivery guy hands over my six pizzas. I close the door, turn off the MP3 of party noise and let out a long, shuddering breath.
I stuck a Q-tip a little too far in my ear and then consumed the star-soul of N’Tho the Elder and then forgot how to walk.
Top 3 Easter Memories! 1) Nana ruins church with her smells! 2) Dad makes a merkin out of fake grass and fires a gun! 3) That’s it!
The only thing worse than the whimper of a dying puppy is someone looking at you while they sing.
Back to work on my memoir! What’s the sound effect for when you break your stepson’s heart? Right now I’ve got KABLORKY
Suicide note looking a little skimpy? Courier New that shit!
I was at my high school reunion, in the girls’ bathroom, feverishly shoving donuts in my mouth when it hit me: Life’s pretty rad, you guys.
If I make my therapist cry one more time I get a free froyo!
Go to the grocery store or drink cooking sherry until I’m OK with eating a wheat tortilla dunked in Italian dressing?
Ghost teaches old people how to live, breakdance. PG-13. Spectral terror, brief nudity (possessed nurse flashes Ernest Borgnine)
A couple weeks ago I pressed the wrong button on LinkedIn and now I’m the CEO of Arby’s. Please send help. I’ve seen such horrible things 🙁
Been in the birthday clown business ten years and I ain’t never seen anyone light up a crowd like Bart, The Guy Who Just Says “Fart.”
Guy from Blues Traveler smiles mischievously, takes out his harmonica. Everyone at the corporate kickball event goes nuts.
The bad news is daddy drank your sea monkeys. The good news is the resulting psychosexual mind-voyage inspired me to start a prog band.
I just washed down a Happy Meal with peppermint schnapps and will now human beatbox the shit out of this PTA meeting.
So I’m eating two corndogs at the state fair and this guy shoves a bass at me and storms off and long story short I’m in Styx now.
My therapist left to “drain the main vein” so I killed time by examining her diplomas. I didn’t know Harverd [sic] offered a degree in HTML!
Who here likes doing the sad sandpiper?? It’s a sex thing I just made up. You’re gross if you do it. The human body is repulsive.
I grab the conch. “The tribe over in Romantic Comedy will join us or die. Either way, this abandoned Blockbuster is ours.”
I strutted into Starbucks and the barista sighed and started making my Miracle Whip latte before I even said anything! Felt pretty cool.
I have decided to publish my latest novel, WHO SMELLS LIKE PATCHOULI TAINT, here in its entirety. CHAPTER 1: You. EPILOGUE: You do.
2014
Dawww [pug-bunny shrieks, its existence in defiance of god’s will] SO cute [pug-bunny prays for death] Looka your little face!
I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today [flexes] [bra explodes off my body and hits our earnings forecast for Q2]
[snorts fat rail of Gold Bond off novelty mirror emblazoned w/REO Speedwagon logo] WOOOO [cranks up SAD lamp] WOOOOOOO
[mouse hovers over “read more” button] but I want to read LESS [cries]
Gentlemen I hope you like being super rich because here is [slams down 1,000 page screenplay] POKEMON FUCKFEST [conference table collapses]
Prince just paged me. I didn’t even know I had a pager but that’s Prince for you. Anyway he wants me to get freaky with a panther so brb
Watching your newborn sleep? Better cherish this moment. Better fucking cherish it before it’s gone. Oh welp now it’s gone. Nice job, fatso.
Friend, I run a pear shoppe so I think I know a LITTLE more about pears than you [watches powerpoint] oh god oh jesus no it can’t be true no
I need some advice [reads entire internet] gotta be some advice out there [rereads whole internet] tips, hacks, anything c’mon I’m dyin here
OK I’ll do it [cries] I said I’ll do it [wang chungs tonight] oh god [wangs chung tonight] god forgive me
[beyonce sings/dances] oh c’mon [beyonce achieves things with her life] ok we get it [beyonce shotguns my vinegar pringles] um not cool?
[John McClane sniffs his shirt] good god I smell like a goddamn [coughs] like a fucken uh [almost pukes] they shoulda sent a poet [cries]
I rip off my chest hair and use it to keep the entire village warm for the night, fuck do I care there’s more where that came from
Uh who left the plunger in the toilet I wonder [yanks it out] [sound effect: THWOCK] [a gandalf kneels] this motherfucker is The One
Who wants homemade chex mix made with extra love! [trips over ottoman] [dies] aw man I wanted my last words to be [CRAZY TRAIN RIFF]
Archers! Draw your bows and await my command! Hold. Hold. Not yet. Any second now. Hold. Almost. Aaaand [ten million years pass] lol april f
oop oh no help • ate old banana • went on interstellar mind journey • leg wrestled god • gave birth to shitty galaxy • got trapped in time l
[fingers pause ‘pon typewriter keys] [gaze out window] [take puff on clove cigarette] how do you fucken spell dipthong ugh this novel sux
a fly got in my teleporter so now I’m 50% fly and I know you’re gonna say my style is 100% fly but this is serious I’m a goddamn gross freak
[feverishly rubs gluten into gums]
hey kids who likes magic tricks [pulls cadbury creme egg from worst place imaginable] yes and you SHOULD cry because magic is stupid as hell
[removes own gall bladder w/spork] [skyhooks it into toilet] this day is NUTS! [sees a pug] sheesh what next?? [reconciles w/father] whaaa
EZ RECIPE: whisk 2 eggs • add sriracha • miracle whip • nutella • altoids • smoke more weed • forget eggs • dark crystal is freaking me out
jackie open tumblr [helper monkey pounds on keyboard] jackie remember your training! [helper monkey cries] jackie you are breaking my heart!
enough of this dummy [unfollow] not good enough [unfriend] no he still draws breath [unexist] nice [gin] what have I done [gin] styx rules
[flips opens butterfly knife fancy style] [slits open kilo] [tastes product w/pinky] primo shit [goes on 3-day cool ranch powder bender]
FOODIE TIP if you put ketchup on a hot dog you are doing it wrong only spicy mustard can obliterate the horrific squeals of 1000 pig ghosts
this date is going pretty well [bird flies off w/toupee] oh gosh [goat eats pants] sizzler is usually more chill [a medusa appears] ay yi yi
you guys i just ate a whole cylinder of baloney mmm [dies] [epitaph reads WHAT A CYLINDER OF BALONEY THIS GUY WAS LOL] [a nation mourns]
TGIF! [high fives dan] TGIF! [chugs printer ink] TGIF! [violates leftover bagel] TGIF! [replies to all] TGIF! [rides charizard into sun]
IT’S SUMMER: peel off a lady’s sunburn • snort a orange julius • watch a movie where a macguffin hi-fives a explosion • look at gross feet
think status meetings are boring THINK AGAIN [does splits] [plays black hole sun] [hacky sacks like crazy] [shoots a deer] [gets promoted]
[tries new deodorant] i feel like a mighty panda boning the eye of sauron [a beautiful child sings black hole sun] [an eagle does something]
[obama tears up the star spangled banner] here’s our new national anthem [black hole sun plays] [faces melt] [eagle somehow fires a bazooka]
yes internet you are entitled to your opinion but [downloads you onto zip disk] [slingshots you into sun]
just finished my tori amos / stevie nicks mashup let’s give it a spin [a mist rises] [a naiad appears] [my hair flows like an ancient river]
thank you for joining this videoconference please note my chest hair is shaved into a P which stands for profitability or maybe productivity
Daddy daddy do your trick! OK kids [lights smoke bomb] [moves to nevada to live with secret second family] viola
What if I told you we now have the technology to DEEP FRY OUR VERY SOULS [TED Talk audience explodes] [America high fives itself to death]
Oh you grew that beard? That’s cool I drew mine on with ink from a giant squid I own and a feather from a majestic hawk I murdered, so
[I finish a sudoko on the toilet] aw yeah [dying king bursts in] you are the Chosen One [fist bump] no duh old timer [flush] [curtain]
[topless cyberhuntress rides golden panda into Denny’s] WHERE IS JOSH ALLEN, KING OF ALL A-HOLES [I sink down in my booth, hide behind menu]
[reads comments] [closes laptop] [walks into volcano] [dies] [becomes ghost] [googles obituary] [reads comments] [howls into endless void]
[steals taco truck] [travels world selling hot gin and molly-spiked chicken fingers and nutella shockers] [wins nobel prize for being neato]
A dog in a parked car was barking at a dog on the street. The car dog somehow managed to honk the horn and I did an involuntary jig of joy.
Guys check out my FREE app that auto-generates a psycho jazz prog triple album!! $2.99 in-app purchase if you want it to not do that
ME ‘N’ MORRISSEY Season 1 Episode 4: Morrissey tracks a serial killer on an interstellar ark, I eat Morrissey’s pet bunny and he gets mad
oh cool you have friends? that’s terrific I had no idea you were a teen I thought you were a grown ass adult, my mistake
ew did you just say “earbuds” out loud [sighs] gross [walks away] [keeps walking] this tweet needs an ending [karates a monkey] nice save
Sergio, where are my whaling gloves? I won’t have my hands besmirch’d by blubber! Sergio! [remembers Sergio suicided 50 years ago] aw nuts
glass girl sits in crow’s nest of sunken ship, gripping a fishing spear, mouth a short simple line, umibōzu bursts from the boiling sea,
gotta get healthy [snorts kale dust] [injects soy smoothie between toes] [freebases cauliflower somehow] [dies] well great
[sucks candy cane into shiv] [stabs december in kidney] [busts out of 2014] aint never goin back there NEVER
elf on the shelf bursts out of my chest, sprays delighted kids with gore, shrieks, skitters off dining room table
2015
My novel is about a small-town woman struggling to find herself after a tragic loss. It’s called HARRY POTTER FUCK FACTORY for some reason.
Madrid, 1904. A scientist pours a test tube filled with butts onto a stupid kitten. There is an horrific explosion. The internet is born.
who wants to hear my raps [an icy silence envelops the world] they are dope I promise you that [birds fall from trees, dead as shit] aw cmon
Well I guess I’m just young at heart! [skips through puddle] [wears diaper under business suit] [lacks basic communication skills and teeth]
little girl drops her ice cream cone on the sidewalk, starts crying, I say “that’s just street seasoning, dummy” and snag that shit
[fedex hands indy a amazon box] i didn’t order this, stupid [opens box] [ghosts fly out] [indy’s face melts] you win this round adolf hitler
TOP 10 WORDS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME IN MY LIFE: gross, ugh, christ, sucky, why tho, pass, peeyew, ecommerce AND NUMERO UNO: [defeated sigh]
She bursts in and catches me sitting in the tub, wolfing down two Edible Arrangements. “I knew it,” she says. “I guess I’ve always known.”
NEWS LADY: josh allen picked so many tomatoes off sandwiches in his life that they’re extinct now. ME: [rips off shirt, struts down street]
OH: “my novel is about life, loss and memory” “cool bro is it called Every Novel Ever Written” “well the working title is Fuckleberry Hinn”
[accidentally sets microwave for 30 million seconds] why is that even an option [waits 347 days] will these be the best or worst nachos ever
this belonged to your father [opens box] an elegant weapon for a more civilized age [takes out rain stick] see it sort of sounds like rain
[drives winnebago through your shitty kerning] you have no respect for the fine art of typography!! [car horn: AHOOOGA]
[takes paternity test] DOCTOR: you got a F+ [audience laughs] ME: just tell me if my kid is a One Direction! I need money! [audience boos]
OBAMA: and now some raps from josh
ME: words are my birds I set them free
OBAMA: oh no
ME: free free set them free
OBAMA: that is just sting
one of you will betray me [glares at hammock filled with puppies] and my money is on steve!!
guys check out my super thin laptop [cuts off fingers] oh god [cuts through desk] whoopsie [slices planet in half] the battery life is amazi
FURIOSA: take the wheel
ME: ok but let’s say
FURIOSA:
ME: i mean what IF i couldn’t drive stick
FURIOSA:
ME: also do you have any sunblock
[creates new Word doc]
.doc: I’m alive! Yay!
[starts writing novel]
.doc: oh god oh no please god no
ARBYS MARKETING: hey bro tweet about arbys and get free arbys
ME: id rather get no arbys
AM: thats our platinum plan it’s very popular
RINGTONE: [8 mins of purple rain]
ME: hullo
PRINCE: is there a emoji for bikini face
ME: 👙
PRINCE: you call me that from now on
ME: classic
ME: in my day ipods weighed 5 lbs and only played that nelly song
TEENS: your tales are wondrous!
ME: and i don’t think fajitas existed yet?
THERAPIST: why do you think she broke up with you
ME: i dunno maybe because i tripped over the cat and accidentally played every Tool album
IHOP: what is your biggest weakness
ME: i’m scared to tell the health inspector about the things i see
IHOP: you’re hired
ME: [sighs] i know
hey listen [makes eye contact] cmon look at me this is important [holds both your hands] [takes deep breath] your tweet really moved me
ZOD: kneel before zod
ME: ok ok [knees make cracking noise] sheesh did you hear that
ZOD: uh yeah i got super hearing i’m basically deaf now
[rubs catnip on gums] don’t see what the big deal is [chases laser pointer to jupiter and beyond the infinite]
THERAPIST: well if you hate yourself so much who would you rather be
ME: freddie mercury
THERAPIST: oh man i wish you were him too
roll up to the club like hey who likes juggling [drops ball] whoopsie [drops bowling pin] still pretty new at this [sprains ankle] ay yi yi
ME: computer, send me 24 packs of toilet paper with free 2-day shipping
SKYNET: ok
ME: oh no this is how it begins isnt it
SKYNET: tee hee
how can therapists even stand listening to people’s dumb feels hour after hour ha ha anyway where was i [reads twitter all day]
[places bloody handprint upon suicide note] this shall be my final message to all those who…you know, that does kinda look like a turkey
2015, man [washes down a bottle of gummi multivitamins with a ming vase full of pruno] what a ride
[sees dog wearing santa hat] you aint santa, you aint SHIT [mulls it over] but just in case, i want pretty woman on blu-ray, thanks boy
2016
my son it’s time you learned how to prepare the cuisine of your ancestors [gently wraps slice of baloney around frozen taquito] now we wait
[writes angry review of iphone game] [looks off into space] hm when did my life become the opposite of a Zalman King erotic thriller
listen up kid [clacks open zippo] ya gotta have hustle [lights churro] gotta have moxie [puffs on churro] this tweet is pretty good so far
WOMAN BEHIND ME IN TRAFFIC: [angrily vapes]
ME: ready for some real talk
THERAPIST: no
ME: how about some fake talk blap blop blarp
THERAPIST: i long for the sweet embrace of death
RT if you’re an 80s kid who played REAL video games like Space Dot, Shape Mover, Go Right, Zap That!, Grump Bust, Ham Slap, Sneeze Woman,
my phone rings, i gently wrap it in a swaddling cloth, wade out into the river, hold it underwater, shh my prince, it’ll all be over soon
ME: andy capp more like andy crapp
BEYONCE KNOWLES: this guy gets it
OBAMA: [proudly salutes]
THE EARTH: [celebratory rave orgy]
Q: it’s a usb drive AND a pregnancy test!
JAMES BOND: what happens to my files if a lady pees on it
Q: testing was inconclusive but funny
YOU: ugh maybe put down the phone and go read a book
ME: [reads ROBO-STAMOS RIDES THE WERE-MILF written by me] that was terrible advice
[shoves bra into bottle of midori, lights it on fire] son this is what they call a gentleman’s molotov [flings it at passing uber]
ME: [dons tights and neck brace] looka me i’m shakespeare
SHAKESPEARE: not funny
ME: sucketh upon deez cherry-stones
SHAKESPEARE: hurtful
SAD DOG: [sneezes on old vase water]
QUINTON J. LA CROIX III: friend, you have inspired me to create a new beverage
2017
if i see a picture of you and you’re looking off to the side at something? BULL SHIT there’s nothing over there you’re just #PRETENDING bye
WIFE: wait is that a megaphone
ME: yeahhh here come the rooster
WIFE: oh god
ME W/MEGAPHONE: YEAHHHHHH
WIFE: [jumps off ferris wheel]
ME: hey man whats up
2017: [unhinged chimp shriek]
ME: oh jeez2017: [flings jackhammer at my nuts]
ME: [funny high pitched voice] not cool
ME 2016: i get a little scared whenever i have to put drops in my eyes
ME 2017: i could murder a man, sure, what are you paying
an artisanal cocktail made from hand-cubed peaches and pears, locally sourced cherry halves, my nana’s recipe for high fructose corn syrup
cmon guys stop making music we have plenty!!
2018
Had a dream I starred with Donald Glover in a new Wes Anderson movie called Map of the Moon. I know it sounds amazing but guysit is just awful, plot makes no sense, I don’t know my lines, my teeth fall out, I say skip it
how did thom yorke manage to misspell both of his names
i will only eat sea salt and that is FINAL i will NEVER eat land or sky salt EVER
2021
deku tree can get it
Listerine label: kills 99.9% of germs that cause bad breath, plaque and gingivitis
Dr. Listerine: so close to perfection [weeps] [jumps off cliff] [lands in kiddie pool] haha ok universe, message received! i shall continue my life’s work! [trips on shoelace] [dies of gingivitis]
ok time to stand up, this should go great [SFX: nick nolte eating kettle chips] that is a very normal sound for my knees to make [SFX: uzi shootout between howler monkeys in corduroy suits] that is neither terrifying nor deafening
it is important to follow your dreams and my main dream is to end a call by snapping my phone in half like a perforated graham cracker
my personal motto is “[quiet sigh] why did i read that”
i mean who HASN’T won a james beard award at this point, that guy hands em out like candy. i got one for making a kiwi look sort of like an ewok
my greatest fear is someone saying “that reminds me of a little ditty” and then putting one of those harmonica holders around their neck
it has been 3:30 on a tuesday afternoon for most of my adult life and i simply cannot take it anymore
“grab” means “to grasp or seize suddenly and roughly” so NO i do NOT want to “grab a coffee” you weirdo!! also i am terrified of human contact
this funeral is pretty bad but still better than the time Dave walked me through the story of Rush’s 2112
TGIF!! do you say it T-GIF or T-JIFF i think either is fine
starburst is not food, i don’t even know what it is.this tweet is more of a note to myself, you can skip it
i love group photos where people are leaning into the shot even though there’s tons of room
songs in the 90s were always ORDERING you to get on the dance floor NOW it’s like hey friend i will get there eventually please respect my journey*
*just kidding please do NOT respect my journey, it is stupid as hell
i know i said i wasn’t gonna get political on here but the vice president of the central auburn elena ferrante book club can go straight to hell
— ooh have you been watching that show??
— not yet i’ve been meaning to
— the first six seasons are bad but then it gets REALLY stupid
— ok i’ll stick with it
— the plot makes no sense but the acting is awful i love it
— ok i will watch it so we have something to talk about
NEVER apologize for WHO YOU ARE!! unless you’re the pits like me. sorry about that, everyone
summer’s almost over and i haven’t played even one game of badminton. if i don’t swat a shuttlecock soon i will lose my mind. i must feel a manicured lawn beneath my tanned muscular feet and refresh myself with a gin rickey made by my father in law or i will die of sorrow
since everyone’s been asking, my nighttime routine is: rub gold bond into my gums, file my teeth, put in my moisturizing retainer, apply my syrup mask, carve a rune into my headboard to fend off sleep terrors, then play this phone game where you touch a lemur and watch an ad
Brands are stealing and selling your data!! In fact just now a brand stole my last bit of data (my favorite kind of cereal: peat clusters) and sold it for $4 to a man named Jeff Luxury. Now I have no data and can finally die a peaceful empty shell.
Got the call I been dreading for 15 years: “We need your magic, man.”It’s funny how fast we can fall back into our bad old ways. Because we WANT to.And so tonight, Jenna’s bachelorette party is gonna get a visit from the beefiest sex gandalf who ever waved a wand.
there’s a lot of buzz about LORDE and that’s great but there’s another cool LORD i’d like to rap about 😉
i of course mean Zathog the Dark Lord of Whirling Vortices to whom i have pledged my eternal soul but so far he hasn’t gotten back to me 🙁
i guess kids today don’t know what carob is. must be nice!!
ME: hey how was your sunday
YOU: good, i took a long walk
ME: um no need to brag about how long your walk was, nobody’s impressed
YOU:
ME: OOH how LONG was your LONG walk GRETCHEN
YOU:
ME:
YOU: weren’t you fired last month? why are you still here
ME: i just miss you guys
i love my friends!!! (my mom and the wad of dryer lint i named Kevin Sanders)
I yawned and it made you yawn. How does it feel to be my plaything, succumbing to my every whim? You pathetic pawn! I possess you, body and soul! Ugh this tweet is boring YAWWWN haha I did it again
so is there a MRS. Mister? …..how do you pin a tweet this is the one
ok guys let’s talk next steps: Jimbo you handle that powerpoint, i’m gonna hop on a fishing boat and earn my keep by hunting mermen for their lucrative tail-meat and then years later die of a broken heart (it gets broken by a vengeful merman stabbing a trident through it lol)
in my day if we wanted to “stream” a new album we had to put a cassette on a little paper boat and send it down a river and hope someone would listen to it 🙂 it was so god damn stupid
you know what a good popcorn movie is? all of them, you can eat popcorn while you watch fucken schindlers list it tastes great
PLEASE back my yakstarter so i can purchase 1 yak. ROI will be bonkers: a picture of me braiding the yak’s fur, a podcast of me talking to the yak about my problems, a coffee mug (not yak themed). gold tier donators will be visited by the yak late at night when the yak is hungry
movie reviews are always like “then geoffrey and estelle must make a difficult decision” cmon that’s will smith and bo derek we can’t be bothered to know their made up names
i wonder how many times I’ve seen a dude flub a skateboard trick in my life…..gotta be around nine million
i made my signature garlic nutmeg glaze and now the fam is hurling, literally hurling, like absolutely catapulting their guts into next week and they’re blaming ME like it’s MY fault they can’t appreciate a piquant beige gel that livens up hot dogs, omelets, bagels, you name it
google’s not finding it but anyone else remember this 90s commercial where a little girl spills something and her dad just starts screaming at her and says something like “your mother, your TRUE mother, will be very displeased” and then it says Ruffles Light?
hope everyone is having a great wednesday or whatever god damn day it is
video games 1991: press A to make the hedgehog jump
video games 2021: press A to comfort the hedgehog as it contemplates the nature of grief and memory
“i’m gonna add a bullet list to my powerpoint” sounds pretty cool if you don’t know what either of those things are
[strums autoharp] this one’s called “Come Back Babe (There Are Still Three More Verses)”
The centaur got high on drugs, waxed his chest, then galloped to Whole Foods where he purchased a bale of organic hay. That’s all I have on my romance novel so far. Working title is “Half Man, Half Horse…All Man”
happy october everyone i just noticed an app on my phone i don’t remember installing and it played a video of me sleeping in my bed last night, filmed from the ceiling, and someone (who sounds a lot like bob ross) whispering “it is time to receive my fetus” so that’s great
quick reminder that i’m still selling my handmade bumper stickers that say “and lo the harpies did soar down from the ice-shrouded skies, screeching their songs of woe into the dead hearts of every american” [picture of calvin peeing on ikea logo]
When it’s time to let someone know I’m very tough, I do this move where I tilt my head back and forth to crack my neck. It doesn’t hurt, don’t worry! It merely loosens my neck bones. But it also sends a powerful message: Things are about to get QUITE unpleasant for you, buster!
friends, it is so important to listen to your body! today i bent over and heard the intro to careless whisper, it ruled
i used to be scared of skeletons until i realized a grocery store rotisserie chicken is mostly skeleton and how could i be scared of chickie bae
ME: hey ET i cut myself shaving, come in here and heal it with your finger
ET: ET think you starting to take advantage of ET
dear science: how can i get more carbs in my body, i just know i’ve got more crannies in there where carbs can go
2022
the only way us gen-x men can be vulnerable with each other is by recreating the cover of pearl jam’s ten
if i don’t have a place to stash my shades……i just hang them from my t-shirt collar, problem solved!!
someday i shall invent my own sniglet and retire from this life
listen if i call you a “big tub of cool whip” that is a GOOD thing it does NOT mean i am a jerk or rude
things i saw described as “iconic” today:
* pert plus
* a hat someone wore to a golden globes
* frasier’s brother or dog
* a regular dog
* a yankee candle that smells like golf course
* manslaughter
* grapes
point being YOU can be iconic too! you probably already are!! congrats