The Sexiest Sentence Alive

To celebrate Fireland's seventh birthday, I held a contest to track down the sexiest sentence alive. Sentences flew in from all corners of our non-cornered world, flooding the home office with magical miniatures, bringing grim delight to the hearts of all who gazed upon them. Sadly, there could be only one winner, so every entry was sent through the merciless Formula. The Formula decided, with cold precision, which of the submissions was indeed the sexiest.

The Formula was hand-crafted by Dr. Graham J. Leuschke, who finally used his Ph.D in Mathematics for something other than chasing skirt. The Formula is as follows:

The Formula


  • a = innovation quotient
  • b = economy quotient
  • c = total mellifluosity [sic]
  • d = pretension factor
  • e = crassitude factor
  • f = a sentence that requires context to understand [1=no, 2=yes]
  • g = a sentence by David Foster Wallace or Don DeLillo [0=yes, 4=no], to soften personal biases
  • h = a sentence by Joshua Allen [0=no, 12=yes], to downplay nepotism
  • i = a sentence that took the adjective "sexiest" literally [0=no, 17=yes]
  • j = total number of spelling or grammatical errors, unless said errors added to the overall sexiness, in which case j=0
  • k = total number of nude photographs included with submission
  • m = total number of hours sentence remained in my head
  • n = total number of sentences submitted by entrant [if n<2, then set n=0]

After running all 161 valid submissions through the Formula, one sentence came out as the clear victor, scoring an astonishing 209.21. I give you, friends, the Sexiest Sentence Alive, written by Mona Thibaut, winner of a brand-new Sea Monkeys Explor-A-Sub:

“My breast flipped inside out so my nipple touched my heart.”

The Formula has spoken. The decision of the Formula is final. Now we can all finally get some sleep. But first, please peruse the other entries below, and thank you, and thank you.

"Baby, I will do anything you want."

Source: Toby
"I want pizza."

Source: Richard Cross
"she being Brand

-new;and you
know consequently a
little stiff i was
careful of her and(having

thoroughly oiled the universal
joint tested my gas felt of
her radiator made sure her springs were O.

K.)i went right to it flooded-the-carburetor cranked her

up,slipped the
clutch(and then somehow got into reverse she
kicked what
the hell)next
minute i was back in neutral tried and

again slo-wly;bare,ly nudg.  ing(my

lev-er Right-
oh and her gears being in
A 1 shape passed
from low through
second-in-to-high like
greasedlightning)just as we turned the corner of Divinity

avenue i touched the accelerator and give

her the juice,good


was the first ride and believe i we was
happy to see how nice she acted right up to
the last minute coming back down by the Public
Gardens i slammed on

brakes Bothatonce and

brought allofher tremB
to a:dead.


Source: e. e. cummings, "she being Brand"
Submitted by: Richard Gregory
"Most girls reach their sexual peak sometime around the age of whenever they're near me."

Source: Tom Jarvis
"His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead."

Source: James Joyce, "The Dead"
Submitted by: Arno Jansen
"Want to see my blog?"

Source: Douglas
"Being in the ends of the Earth and the Earth of the fire I know that never I have before the beauty, that as clay/tone were testified, and this beauty now testifying the fact that I do not know that I have an option, around me from the one, but two portions to be accumulated upwards by which it can be signed, whereas it follows: 1) the factory of the sugar can, factory of the sugar, the factory of the sugar of you you do, which they begin slowly, and within who rubs his entrerroscas, of which then my small German soldier of his quarters perforates, until we left both we have a high point of the luck, that its hair gives to return to the color of small rodents Or 2) the end this existence needy, because you he that would not leave, in order the material to do, that I signed upwards under number one."


Source: mattd
"The infra-lit courts are warm and soft; the heaters bolted into both walls above the tarp's upper hem are the deep warm red of little square suns."

Source: David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
Submitted by: Scott
"I want to sex you up."

Source: Color Me Badd, "I Want to Sex You Up"
Submitted by: Cade
"If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Source: A. Conan Doyle, The Sign of Four
Submitted by: Arno Jansen
"I love you."

Source: Jean
"I am addressing
and undressing
you, fine thing
with this only tongue
I have that curls
the miles to
you tugs at your
buttons and leaves
I hope you undone
and answering say
you love me and
I am just a touch
from come to me."

Source: Eeksy-Peeksy
"I can't come to the phone right now, I'm engaged in cunnilingus."

Source: Lore Fitzgerald Sjoberg, Brunching Shuttlecocks' 100-Question Parody Test
Submitted by: Ian Schwartz
"Ridiculed and honoured, in subtle undertones: vulgar necrolatry and evanescent gelid."

Source: Ilmari Vacklin
"If the ball is hit to him, he'll make the play."

Source: Ron Washington, third base coach for the Oakland A's, speaking of Mark Ellis on the pre-game show with Ray Fosse before the third game of the Oakland-Minnesota Divisional Series
Submitted by: Chad
"Yes, yes I will marry you. But hurry up, or we're going to be late for bowling."


Source: Sarah Brown
"Would you like to go down to my 'crawdad hole'?"

Source: Johann Gordon
"Get back to the kitchen... and where'd you get those shoes."

Source: Dustin
"I'll fill up your taco with meat."

Source: Some song
Submitted by: MC Copulation
"I love you."

Source: Simon Watt
"...For an hour we wake and doze, and slowly I know that though we are sated, though we are hardly touching, this is the coming the other brought us to the edge of — we are entering, deeper and deeper, gaze by gaze, this place beyond the other places, beyond the body itself..."

Source: Sharon Olds, "The Knowing"
Submitted by: Mike Carnohan
"She began to lick my tuttle, so I fed her cheese."

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine."

Source: The Song of Solomon
Submitted by: offpeak808
"Accordingly, many small arrogant sea-urchins crept silently accross the dripping purple sky."

Source: Emily
"And never start a sentence with a conjunction."

Source: Adam Wood
"The rest is silence."

Source: William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Submitted by: Brandon Oto

Source: Richard McFadden
"Wildly shouting unintelligible nonsense and shaking her head, she continued to spit at me from her tree branch; I couldn't help thinking, 'Is she coming on to me?'"

Source: Ben Cronin
Submitted by: Dugan Hayes, friend of Ben Cronin
"I like drugs."

Source: Joe
"Oh, those firm, jutting breasts, with distented nipples like a knife, that pierce deep down into the soul, infecting the blood with a raging fever, which, like a rampaging river, sends torrents of flaming blood coursing through the veins."

Source: Cliford Lewis

Source: Nick Ramsey
"I cannot sleep with you, my love, until I live up to my vow of lying in a vat of chocolate cream for 14 days, and even then you'll have to help me out of it without using your hands, because you know how I feel about sticky fingers."

Source: Kiwi/kath
"I love you more today than yesterday and only half as much as tomorrow."

Source: Maybe someone known as "renjith"
Submitted by: Perhaps someone who goes by "jayadavan"
"I just want to grow up."

Source: Chris
"My butt itches."

Source: Joe Katz
"I will lean into you and you can be the wind."

Source: Ani DiFranco, Album Puddle Dive
Submitted by: Chris, but a different Chris from the earlier one
"The sexiest sentence alive."

Source: Joshua Allen
Submitted by: Joshua Wood
"I have a summer sausege in my pants."

Source: Anthony Stephens

Source: Jeff Kelley
"In 1996, a Cobden woman beat an ankle-biting muskrat to death with a bag full of bingo dabbers."

Source: Patty Edgar, "Cat-killing fisher attacked me, woman," The Ottawa Citizen Online, 7 October 2002
Submitted by: Barb O'Connor
"Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?"

Submitted by: Bryan Burton, who didn't know what it was from but I'm thinking maybe he heard it in "Lady Marmalade" by Labelle, or perhaps last year's Missy Elliot–produced "reimagineering"
"Lick my chakra."

Source: The Lords of Acid, "Lick My Chakra"
Submitted by: Evil Adam
"Sometimes, you must fight the urge to whipe the sweat from your brow, and let it run down your face and sting your eyes."

Source: Adam Stinnett
"The most beautiful love is red-gold:
the color of senses on fire,
the tender-most kiss of a lover's day,
tracing an arcing desire."

"I never had a dream that I didn't like."

Source: The Alkaline Trio, "Crawl"
Submitted by: Joh
"She waits, secretly hoping, recalling his languid caress, aching!"

Source: Mark S. Fortress
"Wanna see what I can do with this?"

Source: Kreplech
"What I've got here in my pants, can do a dance inside of you babe."

Source:A song by the Village Idiots
Submitted by: Kreplech
"Why quoff the bellowing omlette, poured from the sanquine mop of orgone monopoly?"

"From now on, 'doing it granny style' will not only refer to a method of propelling a bowling (or other) ball from between the legs, but, rather, it will allude to an acrobatic sexual position only attainable by individuals who suffer from advanced osteoporosis."

"For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."

Source: Isaiah 55:12
Submitted by: Wendy Akers
"I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase!"

Source: John Mayer, "Your Body is a Wonderland" from the album Room for Squares
Submitted by: John Hardy
"There are many fish in the sea but you are the only one I'd like to mount over my fireplace."

Source: "That film with the two grumpy old guys in it, you know the one?"
Submitted by: Luke
"Can I get you a beer?"

Source: Andrew Smith
"If a man says something in the woods, and their is no woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?"

Source: Cody Nicewanner

"Both cupcakes are free."

Source: Dennis
"Sexy, rinse, repeat."

Source: Mindy Preston
"Ooh, you're making me so wet, I'm gonna come..."

"Her embrace was gentle, smooth, even frail, yet conveyed an overwhelming desire to be enfolded with a much greater love."

Source: NoPoet
"The plow pressed into the unturned land, rending the earth, heaving great mounds of moist soil aside, whilst the land shuddered and sighed at the relief of release."

Source: Anonymous Gardener
"What's the longest you ever peed."

Source: Katie Raygun

Source: Nate Curtis
"I will grow."

Source: Kevin Connor
"I'd rather breathe you in than air."

Source: Linda Thompson
"Sequita la ropa."

Source: Jessica
"See I don't know if you know it yet, your like the lighter to my cigarette, watch me smoke."

Source: Ashanti, "Baby"
Submitted by: Michelle Richard
"Well dip me in honey and feed me to the lesbians."

Source: Unknown
Submitted by: Linda Thompson
"Have you ever killed anyone doing that?!"

Source: Gerri Jay
Submitted by: Linda Thompson, friend of Gerri Jay
"There's not a cigarette in the world that can't be re-lit."

Source: Linda Thompson
"Whatever you're hungry for, it's on the menu."

Source: Linda Thompson
"If you smoke, I got the shit that killed Elvis."

Source: Jeff
"Screeching trolleys, newsboys, gals cutting by, the smell of fried food and beer in the air, neons winking—"We're in the big town, Sal! Whooee!"

Source: Jack Kerouac, On the Road
Submitted by: Michael Burkett
Judge's Note: Actually two sentences but whatever
"You get my testiculars a boilin', you nasty bitch."

Source: Shawn Donoho
"The thought of the sensual taste of your soft lips upon mine after you've whispered sexy words about my desires arouses all my senses."

Source: Haniff Din
"I so long entertained the fantasy that some day, it would just happen; someone would just take me in his arms and dance me."

Source: Gail Armstrong, "Tango"
Submitted by: Melanie
"Snakes — gardening variety!"

Source: Mr. Raymond Kenneth Petry, "Professors' Spring Break," scene 14-2
"Puckering softly, smiling sweetly, loving tenderly, we touched."

Source: Mike
"The perfect poem, which according to Hoyle & Bob's your uncle a bird in the hand takes two to tango, exists in that region of parenthesis, where the concrete bunkers."

Source: Monsieur Dick Taylor, quoted in the editorial of 'Salt 5,' 1997, Auckland, New Zealand
Submitted by: Max Besterjak
"Girl, you're so sexy, you make me want to stop telling my mother that I'm gay, so she'll stop asking me when I'm going to get married."

Source: Benny
"Jesus Fuck, stick that God-Cock piece of shit up your ass, or I will fuck you over with a great big rock, asshole."

"Get in the truck."

Source: Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel
Submitted by: Akex [sic?] Morrison
"It not matters why you sigh, only that you do."

Source: James Hickson
"Why do we exist?"

Source: Jove
"A sound like bemused laughter echoed in my brain."

Source: Wendy Akers, "The Crystal of the Universe," written when she was twelve and thought "bemused" meant something else
"It's the forbidden part that makes it exciting, I thought, as I brushed my hand against his bottom and he guided my hand to show me the effect it had; exchanging nervous smiles, we thought, 'if they only knew.'"

Source: Meghan Casey
"The sleek fiction wrapped around him like cellophane."

Source: Justin Hurst
"Yes, I love Scotch, but only whilst listening to my vintage jazzcollection."

Source: John Mattie
"He kissed her, he kissed her, he kissed her, little by little by little."

Source: Gregory Maguire, Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the East
Submitted by: Dana
"The time of our internet whoring empire draws near, my little cumquat?"

Source: Marin
"Sitting beside the bed for what he considered a time more and more unfairly prolonged and boring, and darkly playing scenes in his mind of the long-deserved and complete abjection of his family after the annihilating telling-off, itself requiring a length of time, that he was looking forward to giving them about themselves while he held their fascinated attention like a basilisk, a telling-off the memory of which would have a long-needed admonitory effect far into the future, and which was the necessary result of their too lightly taken decision, taken without even their usual token consultation with him, to send him upstairs to watch over his grandfather, and, insult added to injury, of daring him to not even think of stirring from there before being relieved; young John rummaged in his own nose with his little finger and finally pushed out a string of slimy snot."

"For thy sweet love remembere'd such wealth brings that then I scorn to change my state with kings."

Source: William Shakespeare, Sonnet 29
Submitted by: Prototype
"Everyone's so, like, 'Okay, yeah, whatever'."

Source:"An actual quote from a student after one of your lesser-celebrated, pre-Columbine high school shootings"
Submitted by: Jonathan Selzer
"Sometimes, in the deepest hours of the night, I think of him and can't help but touch where he kissed me last, that cold night in December in front of the airport check-in, when my hands were still cold and my lips were too chapped for kissing."

Source: The Nogling
"My hand, your hooter, right now."

Source: Chaz Cruz

Source: WAYA
"I'll get on my knees and bark like a dog if you give me a bone."

Source: J. A. Allen
"She writhes in wanting agony, as he caresses her with his hands, kisses her body with his soft mouth, sounds that signify pure joy are released from within her."

Source: Erin, from an ICQ log
"I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs."

Source: William Shakespeare, "Othello"
Submitted by: Alex
"Me, I like a stoop."

Source: Todd Levin, "Stoop to Conquer"
Submitted by: Nick Taylor
"Suck it."

Source: Men's bathroom, Marquis II, 2631 Bissonnet St., Houston, Texas
Submitted by: Zarate
"You complete me."

Source: "I forget, it is with Tom Cruise, 'something about Maguire'"
Submitted by: Harriet
"Every day I should create a little and destroy a little."

Source: Joshua Allen, "A Recipe for Zesty Living"
Submitted by: Laura Joldersma
"When the spectrum or rainbow of human cultures has finally sunk into the void created by our frenzy; as long as we continue to exist and there is a world, that tenuous arch linking us to the inaccessible will still remain, to show us the opposite course to that leading to enslavement; man may be unable to follow it, but its contemplation affords him the only privilege of which he can make himself worthy; that of arresting the process, of controlling the impulse which forces him to block up the cracks in the wall of necessity one by one and to complete his work at the same time as he shuts himself up within its prison; this is a privilege coveted by every society, whatever its beliefs, its political system or its level of civilization; a privilege to which it attaches its leisure, its pleasure, its peace of mind and its freedoml the possibility, vital for lige, of unhitching, of consists - oh! Fond farewell to savages and explorations! - in grasping, during the brief intervals in which our species can bring itself to interrupt its hive-like activity, the essence of what it was and continues to be, below the threshold of thought and over and above society: in the contemplation of a mineral more beautiful than all our creations; in the scent that can be smelt at the heart of a lily and is more imbued with learning than all our books; or in the brief glance, heavy with patience, serenity, and mutual forgiveness, that, through some involuntary understanding, one can sometimes exchange with a cat."

Source: Claude Levi-Strauss, Tristes Tropiques
Submitted by: Rex
"This sentence is wearing high heels with straps on them and the pale hollow between its shoulder blades vanishes into a black dress."

"My breast flipped inside out so my nipple touched my heart."

Source: Mona Thibaut
"Thus I squat, back twisted into a permanent hunch."

Source: Joshua Allen, "The Quarter-Century Sellout"
Submitted by: Blair Kaufman
"I keep my shit tight."

Source: Peter
"Joshua Allen: Diggling my diach."

Source: Malcolm
"When I hold flowers I smell rivers melting like fire, and my love, she puts her nose on mine and the wine, wind, free floating vespers of the brightest elements, we are also golden, so suppose the flowers I hold are not nosegays but something sweet, isn't then the time for the rain to fall like bullets, and more wind to pour like rain, like milk swirling in my coffee cup, like fire, made into gold."

Source: The Piznatch
"Bring me roses, if not, bring me Sprite."

Source: Someone on the bus this morning
Submitted by: Kristina Fawasi
"Black cock digs deep."

Source: John
"She left."

Source: Needleman
"Yeah, and her lips were bee-stung."

Source: Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor
Submitted by: Josh Gross
"I am not a monkey."

Source: Wanda Regina Woytas-Thibodeau
"Her auburn hair tickled and teased the nape of her neck as she rolled her head to one side, beckoning me, as she crossed her lanky legs, to come to her and gaze into her eyes ablaze from a passionate fire that consumed her body."

Source: Lance Martin
"She would always sleep with her husband and with another man in the course of the same day, and then the rest of the day, for whatever was left to her of that day, she would exploit by incanting, "French film, French film."

Source: Amy Hempel, "Housewife," from the collection Tumble Home
Submitted by: Choire
"We are professional number two eaters."

Source: Lindsey re: her favorite Mickey D's value meal
Submitted by: Hankadelica, friend of Lindsey
"He could picture, as he walked, the kind of underclothing they wore against their svelte feminine parts, filmy, smooth, clinging garments of deepest black or of opalescent pastel radiance with flowering lace borders, fragrant with the tantalizing fumes of pampered flesh and scented bath salts rising in a germinating cloud from their blue-white breasts."

Source: Joseph Heller, Catch-22
Submitted by: Chad Sims
"Let my body do the talking."

Source: Depeche Mode, "World in My Eyes"
Submitted by: Amy
"Her body shudders ever so faintly, her breath catches suddenly in her throat as his fingertips dance lightly over the subtle curve of her thigh then draw slowly, in intricate patterns of sensuality, across her hip, her abdomen, her full breast, to at last encircle her longing nipple, drawing it achingly deep into his hot mouth."

Source: Nicole
"Why not feel the sensual gratification with worldly peace?"

Source: Dirk Kinley
"I do."

Source: Chad
"Yo, scrumpous, take off your penny loafers and slide your thighs over my way."

Source: James Gaul
"I feel you..."

Source: n2femme
"Let's go to my room and study stoichiometry."

Source: Chris Bartels
"Your nose is like brie cheese."

Source: Rajan, who incorrectly said this was sexier than "slam a damn donkey."
"I probably never would have become America's leading fire-eater if Flamo the Great hadn't happened to explode that night in front of Krinko's Great Combined Carnival Side Shows."

Source: Dan Mannix, Memoirs of a Sword-Swallower
Submitted by: Alex Golub, using his real name this time
"I have kept my pants on for too long, and I ask you take them off, chew them through with your teeth, wrap my belt around my neck and buckle, then twist my underwear around my ankles and turn me upside down, inside out, kiss my face like spiderman to kirsten dunst, smell my cunt, and finally, finally, touch that rose in flower gently screaming mother dearest, when will call me home?"

"Let's go get some BBQ wings and get busy."

Source: DJ Jazzy Jeff, "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
Submitted by: April/Quirino
"You're an elf, baby, an elf."

Source: Lisa Laurel
"We made out a little bit and then were watching the band and I had that total pussy *ache* that normally you get after like two hours of making out in a station wagon in high school."

Source: Liz Dunn
"When I asked her 'How much slack can I get?' she brushed her hair from her face, looked at me over the rim of her glasses and replied: 'How much do you want?'"

Source: Scout and Leslie
"The line between then and now, here and there, life and death all blurred into one and she surrendered; razorblades wrapped in cotton."

Source: Kara
"Whatever they tell you, I'm not really whispering."

Source: Justin Domke
"Mmmm, baby, let me peel back that mozzarella from between your thighs..."

Source: Darnald Fundack, inspired by Sal, the local pizza guy
"If you stayed after class to feed the goldfish, you could watch Ms. Desmond let her hair down, your eyes opening up like a flower the dirty magazine of her gentle hands."

Source: Toni, "The Violin Case"
"Fuck me."

"They found themselves sitting alone on the rocky shore of the Bay in the foggy darkness, and, after seven long years of anticipation, they kissed for the very first time."

Source: J. L. Jones
"I had a nice time tonight... so I'm going to have to kiss you now."

Source: Jef
"You see, she had absolutely nowhere else to go."

Source: Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
Submitted by: Erik Benson
"Who the hell eats 75% of a Pop tart and decides, 'you know, I think I'll just put this last 1/4 of a set of delicious pastry confection back in the delicate foil wrapper for the next person to eat ... I'm sure they won't mind my crooked fucking Dutch teeth marks right in the fucking tart."

"A rivulet of sweat toured through the garden of pulchritude that was her alabaster face and made its way to her chin, hanging there, precipitously, before screwing up the courage to rappel down into her bountiful decolletage and race between her dramatic tetons, trying desperately to find purchase on an errant hair or mole to savor her majestic bosom only a moment further, but of course there were no imperfections to be found, so the briny drop thusly concluded it had received from the good Lord a right, fufilling life and ambled down the remainder of the woman's torso and toned midsection to live out its golden days in the gamey thicket of her delta, atop her mons pubis."

Source: Andy Liguori
"When I say 'These hamburgers,' you say 'are tasty!'"

Source: Mace Elaine Mamlok
"Pardon me, young lady, but might you have a map—for I am hopelessly lost in your beauty."

Source: Richmond Recker
"It was the subtle way the light hit the curve of her neck."

Source: Richard
"I can still feel the imprint of his hand."

Source: Rachelle Overby
"Many rational educators prefer lubricated fun to any other type of activity, but my own rational heart tells everyone that fucking Santa is a sweet reward in itself."

"Your lips are like a sea of pleasure to stir up my young member."

Source: Wanda
"I love you."

Source: Karen
"Right now, I'm hanging out in a twenty-four hour cafe with a few dozen prostitutes and Berke, the two of which are always inexorably drawn to eachother."

Source: Casey Hall
"Being the cunning linguist that I am, I love studying abroad and practicing the native tongue."

Source: Phillip Wright
"See Jane run."

Source: Zack Harold
"But from a distance you were mine."

Source: Manufactured Romance, "Long Distance Love Affair"
Submitted by: Tim Canny
"You emerge, engorged, from your ovisac, to find yourself in my state-of-the-art submersible with built-in bubbler; O Tiny diaphanous aquanaut, I will hungrily watch you grow to your full 10 milimeters and sprout your 'graspers.'"

Source: Sara Burge
"Fuh, fuh, fuh."

Source: Anthony Hopkins, The Silence of the Lambs (the sound right after the "nice chianti" line)
Submitted by: Lynn Trembly
"System of expandable inserts for regulating and optimizing the thrust angle."

Source: Mares Volo Fins
Submitted by: Tim Canny

Source: Mark Sandman of Morphine
Submitted by: Jack Rusher
"All language is a drunk goddess in my mouth."

Source: Aaron Link