Is That What You Call a Dalliance? / 26 April 2001

“Where’d you get that?”

“What, this?”

“Yeah, that. No, fool. That.”

“Oh, I found it in the parking lot. In front—”

“The parking lot?”

“Yeah, the Shaw’s parking lot.”

“I figured it was a wedding present or, you know, a.”

“A wedding present?”

“Well you—”

“Wake up and face north, willya. I’m not married.”

“Like a wedding present, not your wedding present.”

“Which reminds me of a song.”

“Which reminds me of a story.”

“And throwing presents straight away / because you could never take them home / always scared of what he might say / but always leaving me alone.”

“This guy is invited to a wedding of a woman he used to go out with.”

“We’re talking about Natasha Woodcock, aren’t we.”

“I’m saying this reminds me of a story, not it reminds me of this personal tragedy in my past I’d rather forget about forever and not talk about right now in an f’n flower shop.”

“You just said f’n.”

“So he’s bitter, and he’s bitter about having to buy a present.”

“At my wedding, everyone’s just going to drop big envelopes of cash in a big bag, like in GoodFellas.”

“And so he tries to think of the worst present possible, something that the bride will open and know is just a big slap in the face.”

“But wouldn’t that just reinforce the bride’s opinion of this guy as a loser? Wouldn’t it be more effective to give her some awesome present that makes the bride stop for a minute and say, jesus, I just married the wrong guy. Look at this sweet present.”



“Well, you just ruined the ending.”

“I rule.”

“He digs up this nude picture of her, like from when they were going out.”

“This is about Natasha Woodcock.”

“He has it blown up to like an eight-by-ten and writes a nice little note on the bottom—”

“On her bottom?”

“Something like: I know the paths of life we chose / have led us far away / yet in my heart I know our roads / will intersect one day.”

“Dear lord in heaven.”

“And it works. It straight-up works. She has the whole thing annulled the next week.”

“Now you’re going to tell me that the bride was your mother and the creepy guy was your dad.”

“Quit ruining everything.”

Joshua Green Allen

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