Don To His Friends And Paying Customers / 18 August 2001

DR. ALPHONSE: [indecipherable]

ME: Eh? Hello? Doc? You there?

DR. ALPHONSE: I know that voice.

ME: Hi!

DR. ALPHONSE: Jesus Christ in heaven, please tell me this isn’t Josh.

ME: Doc, I’m going to have to refer you to our modified contract, and one stipulation was that you’d have a copy right there in the nightstand, and another, and this is the key thing here, another is that I’m paying you seventy-five dollars extra to be able to call you in the middle of the night.

DR. ALPHONSE: I thought whatsisname negotiated us out of that.

ME: No, he negotiated us out of fifty bucks, but not the seventy-five.

DR. ALPHONSE: [expletive deleted] So make it worth it, son.

ME: Lookit. I want a modern home with nothing but windows and ninety-degree angles, looking out on the Pacific, writing songs on the piano in between peeks at Julie Andrews’ camel toe.

DR. ALPHONSE: Inc, we’ve been over this and over this.

ME: This is new and different. I want to wear white suits.

DR. ALPHONSE: Yeah and I prescribed something under the counter. Remember the elaborate directions? The code word?

ME: I ended up at a rave. I had to hold an egg for twelve hours straight.

DR. ALPHONSE: Right, and you felt like a million bucks.

ME: Roundabout four in the morning I felt like ten grand but that’s it.

DR. ALPHONSE: OK then, what do you want from me?

ME: I want something that puts me in an ABC video.

DR. ALPHONSE: [pause] I’ll make three phone calls, you come see me next Tuesday.

ME: I love you, Doctor Alphonse.

DR. ALPHONSE: I know you do, son.

Previously / Hydrocephalia
Next / The Subtlest Haircut

Joshua Green Allen

Fireland is a rickety old website by Joshua Allen.

A novel called Chokeville and a beverage-review site called The Knowledge For Thirst.

A great deal of typing is collected in the Archive.

Articles and whatnot for other sites, including The Morning News, Wired, and McSweeney's, can be found in External.

I've been involved in a number of Epiphany Sink pictures.

I record music under the name Orifex.

The RSS feed is here.

Join the notify list for extremely infrequent updates via email.

The Sexiest Sentence Alive, Fireland Broke My Will To Live, The Black Pill Diaries, and a sampling of Old Fireland Designs.

I can be contacted at .


♦ ♦ ♦