It Was Just Lum-Lum / 3 October 2003

I was practicing standing very super still in the mirror last night while not brushing my teeth. Then I made my chest tattoo of a Segway-straddling succubus undulate and writhe. Then I thrust my fists forward, first the right one with the Pikachu-branded temporary knuckle-tattoo that says WANNA GET HIGH? and then the poorly kerned left one that says BE MY SWEATY BOSOMY LOVER? Then I retreated to my closet office to rifle through copyright-infringement notices with a kind of amused disdain.

Each room in our duplex has its own radiator. Alex turned one on for the first time yesterday. It belched out smoke and a shriek came from the scary room behind the garage. I pretended not to notice and went back to flexing, but it was soon impressed upon me that I should maybe think about going downstairs and seeing what was what. So I took the novelty miniature baseball bat that we use to prop open the kitchen window and crept down to the garage, my scrotum cowering in terror. Another shriek, more horrible than the last. I wiped away the “sweat” that was pouring out of my eyes. I stumbled a lot, making a great deal of noise, hoping whatever we had awakened would get scared and run off. I slowly reached for the doorknob, hand trembling with machismo. The scary-room door creaked open, wide, wider…

Turns out it was just Lum-Lum! I’d totally forgotten I’d packed her in a garbage bag when we moved from Maine! And she’d been in hibernation until last night when the furnace burst to life and woke her up! Oh, Lum-Lum, I am sorry. I am a bad daddy! I gave Lum-Lum a nice sponge bath and then trimmed her hair and nails and gave her a funny Halloween-themed sweater to wear and she looked at me like: All is forgiven. Yay! Anyone who says black-market Kurdish love-slaves hold grudges is 100% wrong!!!!!!

Joshua Green Allen

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