What The Hell Was That In My Sandwich / 13 August 2003

What the hell was that in my sandwich. Seriously. The sandwich was prepackaged, so I didn’t see it actually get made, but it was labeled as being turkey and cheese, everything seemed to be a go, and there was certainly delicious turkey and cheese inside, plus lettuce and onions and tomatoes, so far all totally recognizable, but then what was that? A strip of … something. Sort of like a piece of wet Sizzlean — i.e., wider and flatter and all-around more artificial-looking than your standard piece of bacon — plus did I mention wet, flaccid, emolliated (a word I just happened to look up today for a pervy story I’m working on, thinking it meant something else) — also more scab-colored than bacon-colored, in fact resembling a big thick scab above all else, but so thick that I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a scab..? Although a big thick scab would almost be preferable to the boundless terror of the unknown? I should maybe mention I got this sandwich at Wild Oats, a “natural marketplace,” so it was probably in there on purpose. You could file just about any horror under the “organic” category and get a pass from the FDA.

Joshua Green Allen

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