Before I begin my mini-epic, let me provide a bit of context. First, POP QUIZ:

No. 1: Which is the bigger waste of time?

• Trying to find an apartment in San Francisco
• Trying to hit the thorax of a moving grasshopper from 10km away with a piece of dead grass blown through a curly straw

No. 2: Cutthroat scavengers who use underhanded, amoral techniques to create the illusion that they are more attractive potential tenants than I are:

• The worst kind of human being there is, deserving of a stern talking-to and a lengthy caning, overseen by yours truly
• Foul-odored, sub-moronic parasites who have no hope of rehabilitation and should be, for their own sakes, shot on sight

No. 3: Looking for an apartment AND a job in San Francisco AT THE SAME TIME is:

• An exercise in futility
• One of the worst ideas ever in the history of everything

Pencils up! I’m sorry if you had trouble with this quiz, since it was a little tricky. The correct answer to Nos. 1-3 is ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Now, the epic haiku in five parts:

Part I: Wandering Through the Blissful, Childlike Forest of My Own Naivete

I need a new place
I’ll just check the classifieds
How hard can it be?

Part II: Like Odysseus, My Journey is Fraught With Peril & Adventure

What? I can’t afford
Seventeen hundred dollars
For a two-bedroom!

Part III: The Enemy is Cunning & My Weapon is Dull

Already rented?
In less than half an hour?
Curse you, vile tenants!

Part IV: Embrace the Sweet Solace of Desperation

No indoor plumbing?
A large family of rats?
You bet I’ll take it!

Part V: Do You Know the Way to San Jose?

O San Francisco
Screw your real estate market
I’ll live in my car.