Beedle's Gambit / 5 April 1997

[A stuffy conference room on the sixth floor of an office building.]

MR HOWLEY: I’ll assume that everyone’s vacation requests are in so we can hop-skip-jump straight to the action today.

MR BEEDLE: I requested xmas [the actor is asked to pronounce this as “ex-mass” and not as shorthand for the complete “Christmas,” for various personal and artistic reasons that need not be discussed here] eve through New Year’s Day last week but it hasn’t shown up on the calendar yet.

[much mirth and merrymaking from the others in the room]

MR KEEKO: [chuckling] Ho ho, Beedle, you are rich, sirrah.

MR EMBRIOGLI: It’s that cutting wit of his. That’s why we keep him around.

MR BEEDLE: What’s so flippin’ [please use this specific expletive in order to keep this play performable for all ages] funny?

MR G: Beedle’s so deadpan!

MR HOWLEY: [to his freshly-washed executive assistant] He’s not kidding.

MR KEEKO: Are you being serious, Beedle?

MR BEEDLE: I don’t typically make jokes.

MR SIMMERTON: That’s 100% true. I can vouch for that.

FRESHLY WASHED EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT: Mr. Simmerton and Mr. Beedle have been in the same subcommittee for three quarters. I recommend taking the former’s vouching as gospel.

MR HOWLEY: That’s a can-do. So what’s the story here, Beedle?

MR EMBRIOGLI: I find it frankly disturbing that Beedle could reach such heights at this company and still have such a woefully naive perception of company policy.

MR EMBRIOGLI: I share Embriugly’s opinion.

MR EMBRIOGLI: Don’t call me that. I’m dead serious.

MR HOWLEY: Well, Beedle? Can you explain yourself?

[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Mr. Beedle.]

MR BEEDLE: April Fool!

[A moment of shocked silence, then uproarious laughter. Much back-slapping.]

Joshua Green Allen

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