Dream Pants Comet IX / 14 June 1998

“I’m reading this book and it’s called Explore Your Dream-Heart.

“Could I, would you mind, seriously, I’m just going to take one bite here….”

“Don’t eat that.”

“I’m wicked hungry.”

“You see this goddamn fork in my hand?”

“It’s a threek, not a fork.”

“Nevertheless, all three tines will pin that weasly moochy hand of yours to the table. No hesitation. Not even for a second.”

“Look who’s Mr. Grouchy Pants.”


“You’ve got a whole plate there and I’m sitting here with like not even ice water.”

“Just don’t call me Mr. Whatever Anything Pants anymore, I hate that.”

“If I swear I won’t say Mr. Pants will you let me have one smallish bite?”

“I wish you’d just listen—”

“For reals, the bite I’m thinking about—”

“I’ve kinda had this breakthrough—”

“This bite is way small and if you’d give me a moment I could rearrange your plate a little, like post-bite, and you would hardly even know anything was missing.”

“Just take the whole thing.”

“No no no! Look away for a sec, just look over there … look! It’s Halley’s Comet! Look, just, like, over your right shoulder, yes, just give me a moment alone with this thing and I’ll take what I need and my work here will be done.”

“Maybe I’ll go sit over in that other booth.”

“I’m a surgeon, buddy. I’m getting in there and removing that cancer.”

“This is exactly what the book is talking about.”

“You don’t even want the part that I’m going to take. Hang on.”

“You know they sell more than one of these here.”

“Keep looking away. Don’t look.”

“There are almost exact duplicates available for purchase.”

“No peeking.”

“This is what the book calls Phase IX.”

“Mm! Yum! Good!”

“Once I get through the next chapter I’ll totally be able to control you.”

“This is really good.”

“Your behavior patterns will be illuminated in sharp relief by the bright light of my perception.”

“Mmm … mmhm … that so?”

“You’ll sort of become my lackey after awhile.”

“OK you can look now.”

“Good god.”

“Ha ha.”

“Jesus Christ, you are foul.”

Joshua Green Allen

Fireland is a rickety old website by Joshua Allen.

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A great deal of typing is collected in the Archive.

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